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More One Liners
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Tim Vine
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the
bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I
thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He
said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go
for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that
was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an
ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with
one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount
of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',
I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to
buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind
up.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said
"My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was
in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the
dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu.
But I think it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a
second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved
again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What
happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
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