If at first you
do succeed, try not to look astonished.
What's brown and sticky? A stick
Barbie is not a slut- her legs don't open
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell*BINGO*!
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration
What do a coffin
and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!
Q. What is the difference between Medium and Rare?
A. 6 inches is medium 8 inches is rare
Do infants enjoy
infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Inland Revenue:
We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Jesus loves
you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
Lord save me from your followers.
I said "no" to
drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Sex on television
can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
Depression is
merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar,
but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
How do you find a
blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I intend to live
forever - so far, so good
I love
defenceless animals, especially in gravy
Q. What do tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal
Dont piss me off-
I am running out of places to hide the bodies
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong."
Ban toilet
cleaner- Germs have feelings too
Be nice to your
children- they choose your nursing home
How do you
confuse a wanker? 37
Ambition is a
poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
24 hours in a day
... 24 beers in a keg ... coincidence?
Q. If the dove is the bird of peace what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow
Everyone has a
photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
What happens if
you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an
open mind but my brains kept falling out.
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!
Join the Army,
meet interesting people, kill them.
I tried sniffing
Coke once. The ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Q. What is the difference between "oooooohhhhh" and "aaaaaahhhhhh"?
A. About 3 inches
