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Why was I born with such contemporaries ?

The optimum committee has no members.

The last refuge of the insomniac is a sense of superiority to the sleeping world.

Too often in politics, the man of thought cannot act, and the man of action does not think.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application.

There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action.

If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.

Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

They talk most who have the least to say.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Don't be humble, you're not that great.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens

Let face facts, shall we? There is a very real possibility this could also be the *last* day of the rest of your life.

I think it says a lot about our nation's skewed priorities that we give the President the unbridled authority to preempt any television program, even during prime-time.

I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach.

Any husband who says, 'My wife and I are completely equal partners,' is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.

"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me !"

Everyone is a philosopher. Not everyone is good at it.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

Spare no expense to make everything as economical as possible.

I had a dyslexic girl friend in Utah -- she wrote me a John Deere letter
 

God created whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world
 

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full affect of Alphabet soup ?
 

You're never alone with Schizophrenia

Never hold a cat while starting a chain-saw
 

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing
 

Life is sexually transmitted
 

There are two kinds of pedestrians...  the quick and the dead
 

At least our "smart bombs" can find a county --
Our high school students can't 

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood...
He owes Sodom & Gomorrah an apology 

Give an engineer an inch and he'll measure it
 

The majestic equality of US law forbids both rich and poor
To beg in the streets 

Does flossing the brain prevent moral decay ?
 

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend
 

Pants should come with a year's warranty or 500,000 calories...
Whichever's first 

Mantra for the Jungle: "Remain calm, and share your bananas"
 

If Pandora hadn't been curious, there'd be no famous quote about her box
 

All Yuppies are deeply superficial people
 

The more I learn about people, the more I appreciate my computer

History shows us that we do not learn anything from history
 

If you're gonna be blue, at least be bright blue !
 

Lose not thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee !
 

You wouldn't worry what people think of you...

If you knew how seldom they did 

Real men don't carry around six-packs -- they've tote kegs
 

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things I know nothing about