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Two Liners

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
-- When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

What's the height of conceit?
-- Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

What's the definition of macho?
-- Jogging home from your own vasectomy

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
-- One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The
other is used to carry groceries.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
-- Because it scares the heck out of the dog.

How do you double the value of a Yugo?
-- You fill it with gas.

What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
-- Neither of them can stop a Bronco.

Have you heard George Michael's new song?
-- It's called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go

I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double.
-- The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
-- Anyone can roast beef.

What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
-- The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
-- God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

What's the weather like in Tahoe?
-- Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.