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Jokes Page 9

I Want A Divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?"

The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

BEER DRINKERS LAMENT SUNG TO "I WILL SURVIVE"
 

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side.

I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head,

If I'd known for just one second you'd assault me in your bed.

I tried to go, walk out the door.

But you've been sitting on my legs and I can't feel them anymore.

And now you're sitting on my face, my nose has vanished - not a trace.

I only hope that you're big knickers aren't made of liquorice lace.

I want to go, I've got to leave.

Before your fat and naked body makes me bend over and heave.

I only hope that no one saw me walking home with such a slut.

Your dirty hairy pussy looks just like a septic cut.

I can't believe, I'm lying here.

It's all cos of that fucking evil drink that we call beer.

You can Sod your beer goggles, shit I must have been blind,

To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind.

Please let me go, I'm getting scared.

There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being bared.

I think that I must have been mad, God what made me want to court her?

With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just filled up with water.

It's time to go, run out the door.

She's started hinting she wants sex on her dirty lino floor.

I don't think there's anything worse than the al-co-hol-lics curse.

But this time that's it, I quit, I can't take more of this shit!!!

Is this really your third marriage?

Sure is.

What happened to your first two wives?

They died.

How did your first wife die?

She ate some poisonous mushrooms.

What about your second wife?

She died from a severe skull fracture.

How did she get a skull fracture?

She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

Japanese father

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors my have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Oriental."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust.

Joe and Jim

Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.

The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub." Joe went to he pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.

The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the

soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon.

The surgeon looked at the situation and said "Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours."

So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully "I'm sorry, Jim died."

Joe said "I understand - heads are tough."

The surgeon said, "Oh no! The surgery went fine! Jim suffocated in that plastic bag."