1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30

More One Liners 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

Jokes Page 30

Quotations from women

Inside every older person is a younger person -wondering what the hell happened. Cora Harvey Armstrong

Quotations from women about women . . . . . . .

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.-Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.-Janette Barber-

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.-Jan King-

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.-Laurie Kuslansky-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies.-Bette Davis-

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.-Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.-Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.-Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.-Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.-Jennifer Unlimited-

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!-Kathy Buckley-

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb . . and I'm also not blonde.-Dolly Parton-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.-Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.-Roseanne Barr-

I think---therefore I'm single.-Lizz Winstead-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.-Elayne Boosler-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man--if you want anything done, ask a woman.-Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.-Gloria Steinem-

I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.-Marie Corelli-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.-Eleanor Roosevelt-

A husband and wife are travelling

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them", the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No
matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir," he says, "this cheque is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

A farmer is working away

A farmer is working away in his yard when his son comes running around the corner and shouts at his dad, dad the
bulls fu**ing the cow his father replies no son you don't say that you say the bull is suprising the cow, his son says ok dad and runs off.

Two hours later the farmers son runs across to his dad and says dad, dad, the bulls fu**ing the cow again, his father says no son i've told you, you say the bull is surprising the cow, the little lad runs off.

The next day the farmer is busy at work, his little lad runs up and shouts dad the bulls suprising the cow,his father says now thats a good lad, the son says no no dad the bull really is suprising the cow its fu**ing the horse.
 

A man came home from an exhausting day

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer. Ten minutes later, he said, "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."
 

The man sighed and said, "It's started."

Request by the penis

The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

has to work hard;
has to work at great depths;
has to work upside down;
has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work; -
has to work in a high humidity environment;
has to work at high temperatures;
does not get weekends and holidays off;
does not get time off after extra hours of work;
Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professionalsickness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Request denied for the following reasons:

does not work 8 hours in a row;
does not answer immediately to all requests;
after a short activity period, falls asleep at work; shows no
fidelity to the workplace;
retires too early;
does not work at all uless pushed from behind;
does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work; -
Sometimes leaves work, too early.

For more jokes Join Mad Stan Ltd community