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Jokes Page 3

What an act of courage....

Long ago a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, 'Bring me my red shirt!'

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed,

“Bring me my red shirt!”. And once again the battle was on. The Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.”

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”

An Amish boy

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".

How much is that Barbie in the Window?...

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?"

She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

Before and After Living Together

Before- You take my breath away

After- I feel like I'm suffocating

Before- She loves the way I take control of a situation

After- She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac

Before- Ricky and Lucy

After- Fred and Ethel

Before- Saturday Night Live

After- Monday Night Football

Before- He makes me feel like a million dollars

After- If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done

Before- Don't Stop!

After- Don't Start!

Before- The sound of music

After- The sound of silence

Before- Is that all you're eating?

After- Maybe you should just have a salad honey

Before- Wheel of Fortune

After- Jeopardy

Before- It's like a living dream

After- It's a nightmare

Before- $60 per dozen

After- $1.50 a stem

Before- Turbo-charged

After- Needs a jump start

Before- We agree on everything

After- Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before- Victoria's Secret

After- Fruit of the Loom

Before- Feather's and handcuffs *perk*

After- Ball and chain

Before- Idol

After- Idle

Before- He's lost without me

After- Why can't he ask for directions?

Before- When together, time stands still

After- This relationship is going nowhere

A blonde walks into a bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.

The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"