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Jokes Page 28

Fair ground ride

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.

Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said

"Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."

And every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old. If I don't go this time I may nevah go."

Martha replies "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So the pilot overhears them and says "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go.... The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time; still nothing... So he lands. He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says

"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"

Supermarket

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
 

Laying carpet

A carpet layer had worked all day installing wall-to-wall carpeting. When he noticed a lump under the carpet in the middle of the living room, he felt his shirt pocket for his cigarettes--they were gone.

He was not about to pull the carpet back up, so he went outside for a two-by-four. Stamping down cigarettes with it would be easy. Once the lump was smoothed, the man gathered up his tools and carried them to his truck.

Then two things happened simultaneously. He saw his cigarettes on the seat of the truck, and over his shoulder he
heard the voice of the woman to whom the carpet belonged. "Have you seen anything of my parakeet?" she asked plaintively.
 

A woman who plays cards

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him.

She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom- only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

"Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
 

Husband and baby

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.

As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."