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Jokes Page 27

True European

The hamlet of Fucking is in the Austrian Alps. It has a population of 120
and was founded in the 6th century by a gent named Fucko. It would appear
that a popular pastime for English speaking visitors is having their picture
taken by the Fucking sign at the entrance to the village.

Unfortunately this is about as exciting as it gets since there is no
Fucking bar .

Not a lot of people know that ...

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Subject: Are you a TRUE European or just typically xenophobic?

Are you ready to join a Federal Europe? Try this simple quiz to
determine just how European you really are...

A few deep thoughts

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "quit while you're ahead"?

* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use...Toothpicks?

* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

* Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

* How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

* Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?

* How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
 

Life Insurance

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application.

The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father.

The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.

The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"
 

A wife
 

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,

'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?'

"And so, here we are!"
 

New York Waiters

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.

"As a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced."

As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.

"Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands."

We replied, "I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in?"

"Well," replied the waiter, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!"