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Jokes Page 25 Remember the guy who bought the Olympic condoms?
He went back to the same shop later where he bought a pack of rocket shaped condoms took them home and later reported that the wife was over the moon.
Man goes into a chemists shop, and asked for a packet of condoms. The assistant asked him what variety he would like.
"How about the new box of condoms of different colours?"
So he buys a packet of 12 mixed colours and goes away. A few months later he's in the maternity wear shop buying a maternity dress for the wife.
"What bust?" asked the assistant "The yellow one".
Doctor’s notes
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians: *By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. *Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. *On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. *The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. *The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. *Discharge status: Alive but without permission. *Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. *The patient refused an autopsy. *The patient has no past history of suicides. *The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. *Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. *The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days. *She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. *Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. *The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. *She is numb from her toes down. *The skin was moist and dry. *Patient was alert and unresponsive. *When she fainted,
her eyes rolled around the room.
A Texan walks into a bar
A Texan walks into a bar, complaining (as usual). "Everything in
Ireland is so small. Just look at your farms. Why, I can get An Irishman at the
end of the bar sticks his head up
An old farmer
An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall. One of them said,
"Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."
"How did you get it fixed?" asked Ben.
"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."
Ben went home to the farm and decided to try it. He grabbed a cow, dipped his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all around the bull's nose. The bull got a rip roaring boner and immediately jumped on the cow. Ben was impressed.
That night, he got into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lay sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it was nice and wet, rubbed it all around his nose and got a rip roaring hard on.
He quickly shook his wife awake and cried out, "Honey, look!" She rolled over,
turned on the light and said, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the
night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"
Visiting New York
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he slurred. "I don't know,"
gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his
basement!"
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