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Jokes Page 24

Husband and wife in bed

Wife: Oh, come on.

Husband: Leave me alone!

Wife: It won't take long.

Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife: I can't sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Wife: Because I'm Hot.

Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.

Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Wife: You don't love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife: (Sob-Sob)

Husband: Alright, I'll do it.

Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband: I can't find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Husband: There! Are you satisfied?

Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

Husband: Is it up far enough?

Wife: Oh, that's fine.

Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

A pastor went visiting

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door, even though the pastor knocked several times.

Finally, the pastor took out his card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

Revelation 3:20 --Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me.

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate.

Below the pastor's message was the notation

"Genesis 3:10."Genesis 3:10 --I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.
 

A woman’s garden

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says,

"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"

Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."

Well, what the hell? She does it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

"So-so" she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all five inches longer."
 

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:

"Honey, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (toey as a roman sandal): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if
need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for fucks sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."
 

Pizza Delivery

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlour with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my check book right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.