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Jokes Page 23 The winner is listed last. Darwin Awards 2000
They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, it's an annual honour given to the person who provided the human gene pool the service of eliminating himself or herself from it by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. Some candidates appear to have been born for this event! DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES 1) In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. 2) Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a local hospital.
3) In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was raiding. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. 4) Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. DARWIN AWARD HONOURABLE MENTIONS 1) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favour of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house. 2) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed. 3) TACOMA, WA -
Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them claimed
to know a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The
conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of
the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they
discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued
drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.
One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied
to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his
foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river
water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham,
"is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other
explanation for it." ....AND THE WINNER IS: PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant, 'Stefan', 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up elephant finally let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of excrement! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time, he suffocated. "It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."
Finding your religion
1. Date of birth (mm-dd-yy): _____________ 2. Date born again (mm-dd-yy): _____________ 3. How did you find out about God? __ Newspaper 4. Which model God did you acquire? Regular Line: Deluxe Versions: Economy Editions: 5. Please check the THREE (3) greatest factors in your decision to acquire a deity. __ Indoctrinated by
parents 6. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? __ Yes __ No If yes, which false god(s) were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Baal 7. At what times do
you plan to talk to your God? __ Major festivals
(Passover, Christmas, etc.) 8. Are you
currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to your God? __ Tarot 9. God attempts to maintain a harmonious balance of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5 God's handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent): a. Disasters: 1 2 3 4 5 war b. Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 rescues 10.Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: __ Immortal but not
eternal THANK YOU for
filling out this questionnaire.
My Uncle’s Hat
My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded,
"No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I
remembered where I left my hat."
Here are a couple of David's classics: "There goes
Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing Murray Walker. At a recent Grand Prix, Murray pondered on the leader, Michael Schumacher: "The British are split down the middle about him. Half the population love him and the other half either hate him or are ambivalent."
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." Harry Carpenter,
once introduced by a BBC announcer as Harry Carpentator, Ron Atkinson: Terry Venables Mark Draper - Aston
Villa Not exactly a colemanball, but certainly one of the best football lines is the Motherwell manager's reaction after getting the message from his trainer that his Centre Forward was suffering from concussion and didn't know who he was: "Tell him he's Pele and get him back on."
"This is really a
lovely horse, I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh -Horse
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman) "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." (Alan Minter) "The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball." (John Francombe) Dennis Pennis: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" Chris Eubank: "On what?" "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' (David Acfield) "...and Ray
Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion." (John Arlott)
A little girl answers the phone
A little girl answered the phone whispering, "hello".
A man's voice said, "IS YOUR MOTHER THERE?"
"Yes", said the little girl.
"LET ME SPEAK TO HER!", said the man.
"Oh, she's busy", replied the little girl.
"WELL, IS YOUR FATHER THERE?", asked the man.
"Yes, but he's busy, too", replied the little girl still whispering.
"IS THERE ANYONE ELSE THERE?"
"A policeman and a fireman", said the girl.
"WELL, LET ME TALK TO ONE OF THEM!"
"They're busy, too".
"WHAT ARE THEY DOING?"
"They're looking for me."
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