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Jokes Page 22

30 Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid

A few clowns short of a circus
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
A few beers short of six-pack
A few peas short of a casserole
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
One taco short of a combination plate
A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
Too much yardage between the goalposts
An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
As smart as bait
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
Forgot to pay his brain bill
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
His belt doesn't go through all the loops
If he had another brain, it would be lonely
No grain in the silo
Proof that evolution can go in reverse
Receiver is off the hook
Several nuts short of a full pouch
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

This is a moral question for you.

It is an imaginary situation, but interesting to decide what you would do!

THE SITUATION
You are in Manchester and on the canal, it is daytime and there is a huge flood in progress, many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and the infrastructure of much of Manchester is destroyed.

You are a photographer out in a small dinghy getting still photos for a news service, travelling alone, looking for a particularly poignant scene.

Suddenly you stumble across a car crash. It's David Beckam and he's struggling to keep from being swept away in the raging canal.

There is enough space for one more person in your boat.

You have a choice of rescuing him or getting the Pulitzer-prize-winning photograph of the death of a famous English footballer.

THE QUESTION.........

What shutter speed would you use?
 

Is your honeymoon period over?

Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blowjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine port.

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotised by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly off the menu and the new girl in the office really does have a great ass. Here are the key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished...

1. Addictions
Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.

After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and skin up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.

2. Bodily functions
Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.

After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odor. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.

3. Relations/Friends
Before: Her auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.

After: Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-ass with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind 'doing her' if the opportunity arose.

4. Sex
Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You screw to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Screwing four times a day is not uncommon.

After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

5. Attention span
Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.

After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.

Overall reviewuation

6. What She Thinks
Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships...but she suspects that you're full of shit.

After: She KNOWS you're full of shit
 

Overheard in the men's locker room
 

'I've been dating my girlfriend for a long time, and it's no secret that she's a knockout beauty. And even though I'm delighted to have such a good-looking girlfriend, it was a big problem when we began dating each other.

Every time I saw her, I'd get a massive erection. There was nothing I could do to control it: It just happened!

Obviously, I didn't want to have this happen when I picked her up for our first date (at least not until after dinner). So I decided to tie my dick to my leg with a rope. I tied that motherfucker down TIGHT, too.

It would've worked great, but unfortunately my girlfriend answered the door in a sheer teddy. There was nothing I could do to control it:

I kicked her right in the face!'
 

Here's a few amusing moments taken from American job interviews.

A survey of personnel executives at 200 of the Fortune 1,000 companies provided the following unbelievable but true examples of job applicant behavior.

"The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a question became apparent when he began to snore."

"When I asked the candidate to give a good example of the organizational skills she was boasting about, she said she was proud of her ability to pack her suitcase 'real neat' for
her vacations."

"Why did (the applicant) go to college?" His reply: "To party and socialize."

"When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the interview, he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the wastebasket."

"I received a resume and letter that said that the recent high-school graduate wanted to earn $25 an hour-'and not a nickel less.'"

"(The applicant) had arranged for a pizza to be delivered to my office during a lunch-hour interview. I asked him not to eat it until later."

"(The applicant) said she had just graduated cum laude, but she had no idea what cum laude meant. However, she was proud of her grade point average. It was 2.1."

"(The applicant) insisted on telling me that he wasn't afraid of hard work. But insisted on adding he was afraid of horses and didn't like jazz, modern art, or seafood."

"She actually showed up for an interview during the summer wearing a bathing suit. She said she didn't think I'd mind."

"He sat down opposite me, made himself comfortable, and proceeded to put his foot up on my desk."

"The interview had gone well, until he told me that he and his friends wore my company's clothing whenever they could. I had to tell him that we manufactured office products, not
sportswear."

"(The applicant) applied for a customer service position, although, as he confided, he really wasn't a people person."

"Without asking if I minded, he casually lit a cigar and then tossed the match onto my carpet-and couldn't understand why I was upset."

"On the phone, I had asked the candidate to bring his resume and a couple of references. He arrived with the resume-and two people."