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Jokes Page 20

DIET

This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day

BREAKFAST

1 Grapefruit

1 Slice whole wheat toast

1 cup skim milk

LUNCH

Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach 1 cup herbal tea

1 Chocolate biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA

The rest of the biscuits in the packet 1 tub of Rocky Road Ice Cream with Choc-Ice Topping 1 jar Nutella

DINNER

4 bottles of red wine

2 loaves Garlic Bread

1 family size Supreme Pizza

3 Snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK

Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

DIET RULES

1. If no-one sees you eat something, it has no calories

2. When drinking a diet coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate bar is cancelled out by the diet coke

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do

4. Food used for medical purposes does NOT count(for example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka)

5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner

6. Cinema related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake (this includes: popcorn, choc tops, maltezers, jaffas and frozen cokes)

7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage

8. Food licked from knives and spoons have no fat if you are in the process of cooking something 9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice- cream, apples and red jelly snakes

Sex on Mars

Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things. Mike asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money.

Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen.

The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night. Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weeny member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen.

"Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long.

"Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said, and started pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grew wider and wider. "Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
 

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
 

Tommy walks into school

Tommy walks into school 20 minutes late.

"Sorry I'm late," he says, "but I didn't get my fucking breakfast."

"How dare you use language like that!" says the teacher, "stand in the corner!"

She then carries on with the geography lesson. "Who can tell me where the Canadian border is?" she asks.

No one in the class answers. Tommy puts his hand up. The teacher ignores him and continues to ask.

Still no one answers so reluctantly she says to Tommy

"OK, then where is the Canadian border?" Tommy replies

"He's in bed with my Mum, that's why I didn't get any fucking breakfast!"
 

Bruce's friends
 

It was a well-known fact among Bruce's friends that he was a virgin.

One night, after quite a few Fosters, Bruce's buddies decided to pool the money and get old Bruce laid.

Once at the house, the madam asked Bruce which lady he would like. He makes his choice and the madam tells him to go upstairs to room number 7.

About ten minutes later his date enters the room and notices that all of the furniture is piled up in one corner of the room; including the bed! The date asks Bruce why he moved all of the furniture.

In the thickest Australian brouge that you can imagine Bruce replied: "Maam, I must admit that it's true, I have never made

love to a woman; but if it's anything like fucking a kangaroo, we're goin to need all of the room we can get!".