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Jokes Page 2

A guy decides to take off work

A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk.

When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke. The broken glass carved up his rear end terribly, but he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was laying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied on on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You were plastered last night - where'd you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

A guy dies and goes to hell.

The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started."

The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee."

The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal?

After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"

A guy goes to a single's bar

A guy goes to a single's bar to find a bedmate for the night.

He sits at the bar and has a couple of drinks while surveying his possibilities.

He finally decides on a cute redhead that seems to be having a great time dancing with different guys. So he has another quick drink while waiting for the music to stop, making sure he is positioned to ask her for the next dance.

He gets it, but after gyrating madly on the dance floor with the gal, after the dance he feels a bit woozy from the drinks he'd had.

"How many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?" he asks the perky redhead.

"Oh, four or five." she answers, adding "And don't call me Dizzy."

A Man Goes Fishing

A man is on a fishing holiday, just him and his rod and a bit of peace and quiet. He's been sitting in the same spot every day for a week, and every day he's seen another man on the other side of the lake, quietly fishing on his own. After a week he wanders round to the man to engage in a bit of angling banter:

"On a fishing holiday are you?" our man enquires.

"Nah, I'm on my honeymoon", says the second man.

"Honeymoon?", says the first,"...shouldn't you be with your wife making love to her like a frenzied weasel?"

"Can't do that mate," says the newlywed, "...she's got crabs, warts, herpes and ripping vaginal lesions"

"That's unfortunate," replies the fisherman,"...but can't you go brown and give it to her up the Queen Mum?"

"No chance," says the hapless bridegroom, ".....she's got anal cancroids, bleeding hemorrhoids and a rather nasty case of bacterial dysentery".

"Not ideal," comments our man, "...but surely she can give you a blow job?"

"I'd rather not", says the newlywed, "....she's got foot and mouth, cold sores, trench gum and both her teeth are green and rotten".

"She sounds disgusting," comments the fisherman,"...why did you marry her?"

"For the maggots"

Subject: The truth about management

Lesson number one ...

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high...

Lesson number two ...

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson number three ...

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.

So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story:

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.