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Jokes Page 19

What I've learned

I've learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned- that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned- that it's not what you have in your life that counts but how much you have in your bank accounts.

I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned- that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned- that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned- that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned- that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned- that money is a great substitute for character.

I've learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned- that modern maturity is a magazine for old fucks.

I've learned- that your family won't always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the fuck-up, the missing one will be there for "you".

I've learned- that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned- that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours.

I've learned- that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned- To say "Fuck them if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
 

A small white guy goes into an elevator

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him.

The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"

The small white guy faints!!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy.

"What's wrong?".

The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".

The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.
 

A man was visiting his wife in hospital

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.

From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."
 

Young lady in the maternity ward

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to going into the delivery room is asked by the doctor if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies. "OK, do you have a boyfriend?" asks the doctor. "No - no boyfriend either. I'm unattached and I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the doctor says to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck a year or so back, with no money and nowhere to live, so I accepted a job in a porno movie and the leading man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the doctor, "that's really none of my business but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well, yes," the girl again replies, "You see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie - what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the doctor repeats, "and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was also a little Chinese man in the movie - I

really had no choice."

At this the doctor proceeds to give baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well, thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the doctor, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"
 

A young man walks up

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob.

" Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."