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Jokes Page 16 The day of the duel In bygone days, a thin man insulted a fat man. The fat man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.
On the day of the duel a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin man came up with a solution.
"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't count." The Fart File
THE COMMON FART The Common Fart is the fart heard most often. It is a very close relative of the "Ripper", but is released with less force. It is usually heard in groups where people aren't yet comfortable with farting amongst each other. Therefore, one person in the group gets up some nerve and releases this common-sounding fart in such a manner that everyone now feels comfortable with group flatulence. Usually there is no smell with the Common Fart. The Anxious Fart is let in a place where someone does not want the fart to be heard. You may have seen men and women in book stores or grocery stores, or even on the street, letting these farts. They are generally controlled, usually barely audible, and require much skill to master.
THE COUGHING FART The Coughing Fart is one that the farter tries to cover up with a cough. My dad used to let these farts all the time when he worked at the Bingo Hall. He would stand at the back of the hall and cough, just as a nice "common fart" was let. It can be embarrassing for the farter, and those around the farter, if the timing is off at all, or if the fart is longer than anticipated.
THE WET FART The Wet Fart is one that sounds quite juicy. Quite often this fart is cause for alarm, and an indication that a trip to the toilet is imminent.
THE BLOWER
TIGHT BUN FART This fart is always recognizable. It sounds like the farter's buns were so tight that he/she was in pain while farting.
THE RIPPER One of the best farts around is The Ripper. It is loud, rough, and always raises
an eyebrow or two. Characteristics of The Ripper often show up in other farts,
but make no mistake - this fart is a single, powerful gas-bubble that comes
screaming from the farter's butt. The Mailmans 'Last Day'
It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job, after 35 years of carrying the mail, through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the forth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him) and led him up the stairs to the bedroom. Here she blew his mind, with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: Eggs, potatoes, Ham, Sausage, Blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. All this was too wonderful for words, but he said "What's the dollar for?"
"Well" she said "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you, and he said, 'Fuck him'. Give him a dollar, 'The
breakfast was my idea". The perfect woman would say
1, I'll swallow it all....I love the taste. 2, Are you sure you've had enough to drink? 3, I'm bored. Let's shave my fanny. 4, Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porn film, crate of beer, and have my friend over for a threesome! 5, God. If I don't get to blow you soon, I'll kill myself! 6, I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again? 7, You're so sexy when you're hung over. 8, I'd rather watch you and your mates watch sport, and serve the beers to you, than go out shopping. 9, Let's subscribe to the Porn channels. 10, Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? 11, Let's go shopping so you can look at women's arses. 12, I love it when you play football on a Saturday, I just wish you had time to play on Sunday too. 13, Darling, our new neighbour's daughter is sunbathing Topless again, come and see! 14, I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 15, Do me a favour, forget the stupid valentine's day thing. and buy yourself new parts for your computer. 16, That was a great fart! do another one! 17, I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you. There was this couple
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal!!!! |
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