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Jokes Page 15

Ten Things You'll never hear a woman say

1. What do you mean today's our anniversary?

2. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

3. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

4. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!

5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".

6. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

7. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

8. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.

9. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

10. Hey, pull my finger!

T.G.I.F.

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F"

He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T"

She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T".

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T".

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, T-hank G-oodness I-ts F-riday; get it?"

The man answered, "S-orry H-oney, I-t's T-hursday".

The Age Game

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!!! It only takes 30 seconds.

Work this out as you read. Don't read the bottom until you have worked it out.!!!

______________________

1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to go out.

2. Multiply this number by 2.

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you haven't, add 1747

6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.

SEE BELOW:

RESULTS:

You should now have a three digit number:

The first digit of this was your original number (I.e. how many timesyou want to go out each week).

The second two digits are your age!!!

This is the only year (1998) it will ever work, so spread the joy around by mailing this to everyone you know

The Best Worst Country-Western Songs

1. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

2. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

4. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

5. She Got The Gold Mine and I Got The Shaft

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

7. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

8. Drop-Kick Me Jesus Through The Goalposts Of Life

9. Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone

10. If You Don't Leave Me Alone I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

11. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

12. I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line

13. I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me.

14. My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart.

15. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight Because I'm Afraid She'd Win.

16. They May Put Me In Prison But They Can't Stop My Face From

Breaking Out

The Big Golf Match

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared

by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honoured and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."