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Jokes Page 13

Ryan's Apartment

Ryan rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Ryan smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him.

As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing underneath. Poor Ryan breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Ryan stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Ryan stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

Seaman meets a pirate

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea.

Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"

"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook..."

Short & Sweet

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

Why is sex like a bridge game?

You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

What's the definition of mixed emotions?

When you see you're mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

What's the height of conceit?

Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?

Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What do the L.A.P.D. and the Green Bay Packers have in common?

Neither of them can stop a Bronco

Spice Girls Application form

Name:_____________________________

Age:_______________________________

Real Age:___________________________

How would you best describe yourself?

( ) An energetic self starter

( ) A team player

( ) A tasty, albeit untalented bit of crumpet

Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your tits?________________

Would it bother you to be the target of unrelenting hatred?_____________________

Would it bother you if a member, or members of your group suddenly!

( ) Decided to get married

( ) Decided to have a baby

( ) Both of the above

( ) Buggered off, because you and every one else in the band thought she was:

A, Too old_________

B, Too ugly________

C, Too manly_______

B, Even more untalented than you___________

D, Got bigger tit's than you__________

Does nudity bother you?____________

If so, give three excuses for your Portfolio.

Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual free will in light of the deterministic theories of neuro-chemical medicine and modern behaviouralist psychology. 'Just Kidding'!! Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?______________

Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light? ( ) yes. ( ) No.

Choose an appropriate nickname: Sexy, Nasty, Sweetie, Syphilis, Lardy. Sickly, Shagme, Slappy, Dykey.

Choose an appropriate image:

( ) Cute, blonde, appeals to paedophiles

( ) Tub of lard

( ) Bloke in a tracksuit

( ) Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity

( ) Terrifying to small children and old men

( ) All of the above

Do you promise to make one album and then go away forever? ( ) Yes. ( ) No.

If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometres, and 75 kilometres an hour, respectively, how would you look in a Bikini?

If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help alleviate prince Charles's loneliness?

In the space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, really want this job.

Stupid Old Pickup Lines

Man: "Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"

Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"

Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."