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Jokes Page 12

Poetry & stuff

A policeman from near Clapham Junction,

Had a penis that just wouldn't function,

So he fooled his wife,

For most of her life,

With some spit on the end of his truncheon.

There was a young lady from Bude,

Who stepped off the stage in the nude,

One night from the front,

A man shouted "c**t",

Which was terribly terribly rude.

Premature ejaculation

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

A RICH OLD MAN IS GOING TO DIE

A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon.

The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive.

The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.

'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!'

The old man, waving off the last part about the cost, asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor.

'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000!'

'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'

"Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000!!!'

'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'

'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!'

The story of Rindyceller and her two sugly isters Cinders and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Cinders worked very hard, frubbin scloors, weaning clindows, emptying posspits and shivelling shut! By the end of the day she was neally rackered. Her sugly isters were fight cuckin runts who did no wuckin ferk and had no wuckin furries. They were real bugly astards. One was called mairy hinge and the other was called betty swollocks, and they were always petting gissed.

The two sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball. Rindyceller was ducking fisgusted when the cotton runts wouldn't let her go. Buttons worked with cinders. He was gifted, with nuge hackers and a shairy hithole. He was also a candy runt and liked diving into Cinders hubic pairs, and he loved a wood gank.

Suddenly there was such a bucking fang, and to Cinders suprise a gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was sherry tighthouse and she was a light ruckin fesbian with a farge letty swanny and tairy hits. She turned a pumpkin and six might wice into a huckin cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys with buge hollocks.

Cinders was amazed! "Miste all cruckin fighty!" she said. The gairy fodmother said that Cinders must be back by 12:o'clock or there will be a cuckin falamity.

At the ball Cinders was dancing with the pransome hince. The band was guckin food but foo nuckin toisy. It was that druckin fummer - What a ruckin facket. The cabaret was huckin fopeless. When he blew his truckin fumpet he was buckin frilliant but he is a hig-bedded banky wastard and i'd like to stick his fumpet up his ucking farsehole.

Suddenly the clock struck twelve! Cinders puckin fanicked and ran out of the ballroom, tripping barse over ollocks and losing her slass glipper.

The next day the pransome hince came knocking on Cinders door. The sugly isters let him in. Betty swallocks lifted her leg and let out a fig bart. " Who's fust jarted?" asked the pransome hince. "Blame that forrible hucker over there" said buttons. When the clinking stown broud lifted, the pransome hince tried the slass glipper on the sugly isters. they had horrible fetty sweet and the slass glipper fidn't dit. mairy hinge in her tucking femper gave the pransome hince a nick in the kackers, which was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard-on.

He tried Cinders and the flipper sitted puckin ferfectly!

Soon Cinders and the pransome hince were married. He spent his days in lucking fuxury and she ended hers with a follen swanny and they all lived happily ever after.

RULES OF COMPUTER ORDER

You will never have an extra blank disk.

If you do bring along a blank disk, you won't need it.

If you don't bring along a blank disk, it will be the only available opportunity to obtain a copy of a hitherto unattainable, and uniquely appropriate program.

If someone else is watching while you are doing anything on the computer, anything at all, it will screw up (that's a technical term).

The percentage chances of screwing up increase in direct proportion to the size of your audience.

No matter how simple it seems to you, your explanation will be more than they want to know.

You will amaze yourself at how much you know.

You will amaze your mother at how much you know about computers.

You will always have one disk envelope too few. Or too many.

The only pieces of data you will ever lose are the ones you were going to save just as soon as you finished typing a couple more lines.

The update of your program will use the keys for something entirely different in this version than it did when you first learned it.

You will not understand it the first time you read it in the manual.

You will understand it better the next time you read the manual. For no discernible reason.

When you are late for an interview and need a last minute copy of your resume you printer will go down. It will always go down. It doesn't care. Nowhere in your repair manual will it ever tell you what you really need to do--which is to turn the darn thing off and get yourself a cup of tea.

You will never know what a user file is.

The price of anything you buy will stay the same until the actual impact of your money on the bottom of the cash drawer, at which time it will automatically re-list itself in next Thursday's paper at 30% less.

Staring at the screen for 97 continuous minutes will not necessarily reveal to you the secret location of any colon that should have been typed in as a semi. Or vice versa.

It will always seem like your friend got a better deal.

The 800 number will be busy.