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Jokes Page 10

Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's "Cheers")

"Can I draw you a beer, Norm?"

"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

"How's a beer sound, Norm?"

"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

"What's shaking, Norm?"

"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?"

"Going Down?"

"What's new, Normie?"

"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'll it be, Normie?"

"Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer & a snorkel."

"What would you say to a beer, Normie?"

"Daddy wuvs you."

"What'd you like, Normie?"

"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"

"Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."

"Looks like beer, Norm."

"Call me Mister Lucky."

"What'd you say, Norm?"

"Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."

"What would you say to a beer, Norm?"

"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"

(Coming in from the rain)

"Evening, everybody."

Everybody: "Norm!"

"Still pouring, Norm?"

"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Whaddya say, Norm?"

"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"

"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?"

"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."

"How's life treating you?"

"It's not, Sammy, but you can."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"

"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."

"I know. If she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?"

"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"

"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"

"Yep. Now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"

"Another layer for the winter, Wool."

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"

"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"

"Poor."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"

"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"

"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"

"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"

"It's a dog-eat-dog world, Woody, & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story, Norm?"

"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"How's about a beer, Norm?"

"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"

"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"

"A little early isn't it, Woody?"

"For a beer?"

"No, for stupid questions."

On the bus

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The Lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together again. I come again, Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the Lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella mississipi."

One for the Meanster

A Scouse van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over.

He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?", "I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.

"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift"! climb in!" The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road.

Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the bastard.

However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud "THUD."

Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit the Manchester United fan,"

"That's okay" replied the priest. "I got the bugger with the door!"

I woke early one morning

I woke early one morning,

The earth lay cool and still

When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,

He sang a song so lovely

So carefree and so gay,

That slowly all my troubles

Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places

Of laughter and of fun,

It seemed his very trilling,

brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers

Crept slowly out of bed,

Then gently shut the window

And crushed his fucking head.

I'm not a morning person.

Bastard didn't have to go to work did he, over-privileged little shit!

One night

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"