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Jokes Page 1

A Man Comes Home

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed.

Both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

The woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and again falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch!".

3 Dogs in a Pound

There are three dogs all in the pound. The first dog turns to the second dog and asks, "What are you in for?"

The dog replies, "Well my master said that if I keep chewing up the newspaper he will put me to sleep. I kept chewing them and today I'm getting put to sleep."

The other dogs start to comfort him. The second dog turns to the third dog and asks him the same question. The dog sadly replies, "Well my master said that if I kept drinking out of the toilet I would get put to sleep. And here I am about to get put to sleep."

The other dogs start to comfort him too. Then the second and third dog turn to the first dog and ask him. The dog says, "When my master got out of the shower her towel fell off of her, and when she bent over I just couldn't help myself and started to fuck her up the ass."

The dogs were like, "Oh, we understand why your getting put to sleep."

The first dog turns around and says, "I'm not here to get put to sleep, I'm here to get my nails trimmed!!!!!!

69

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night.

When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Not knowing quite how to explain, she said "you put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs,"

Still unsure but willing, he agreed.

As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.

"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.

"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again," she said.

On the second attempt the very same thing happened.

The man immediately got up and started getting dressed.

"Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied...

"If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"

A bear walks into a bar

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says.........

"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender again tells him "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat the lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender, once again says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs." The bartender says, "Yes you are, that was a bar bitch you ate."

A Drunk Gets up from the Bar

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says.......... "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!"